His Excellency Turkmenbaby, President of Turkmenbabystan

In December 2006 one of the world's most autocratic rulers--and biggest characters--passed away. Saparmurat Niyazov was the supreme ruler of Turkmenistan, known for ruling by fiat and ordering ridiculous commands, such as: the banning of long hair and beards for young men; the banning of all recorded music, car radios, and lip-synching; the closing of all libraries outside the capital city (Ashgabat), because "ordinary Turkmens don't read"; the closing of all hospitals outside the capital, because the sick should come to the capital for treatment; the banning of opera and ballet as "un-Turkmen"; and finally, the changing of Turkmen words, such as the word for bread and the days of the week, to names of members of his family. Niyazov also wrote his own pseudo-religious text, which he not only foisted upon every bookstore and library in the country, but used as the basis for a "morality test" that all Turkmens taking the driver's license exam had to pass.

He was nuttier than a squirrel convention, in other words.

Well, as one life passes from this world, so another comes into being. Just as Turkmenbasy (as Niyazov was called, for "leader of Turkmens") passed away, so Frederick Riggs Duberstein was born: and the world knew TURKMENBABY. Now I admit the comparison is a bit opaque at first glance, but please allow me some illustrations:

Turkmenbaby requires that all his subjects sleep only when he sleeps, and then fitfully and for short periods of time:















Turkmenbaby flies into fits of violent rage for no apparent reason:










Turkmenbaby likes to pose, Caesar-like, on his throne, suckling his "pluggie," a strange oral-fetish device:

When not reclining in imperial splendor, Turnkmenbaby makes the peasants carry him about the manor. Eager to avoid his wrath, they comply readily:













Turkmenbaby also makes his subjects place him it his litter and parade around until exhaustion overtakes them (this poor peasant couple has been conscripted not only for this duty, but also to feed, clothe, and bathe the little dictator. Not only that they must provide for his every whim and fancy, even clean him after a bowel movement):













Like his namesake, Niyazov, Turkmenbaby has even turned his capricious wrath on dogs: prohibiting their owners from paying them the slightest bit of attention (be wary Turkmenbaby, this one may be plotting your demise)



The real tragedy is that the West seems to be ignoring Turkmenbaby's excesses, probably because his realm contains no serious natural resources, and none of the usual human rights groups seem to be aware of the situation, either. In fact, this blog may be the only hope for the poor subjects under Turkmenbaby's thumb...