Celebrating the Old Lady's Birthday

Turkmen's Mama turned 30 (gulp) yesterday, and his excellency celebrated the affair with a rousing game of hide and seek and some very grown-up behavior of his own, like making a fast break during his evening tummy time and sleeping in his crib (in his new birkenstock-esque brace - we're so proud that he'll fit right in at Weaver Street Market!) with a complete disregard for the laws of gravity, which apparently have no jurisdiction in Turkmenbabystan.

Turkmenbaby family get-together

This past week Turkmenbaby went to visit relatives in the provinces (a distant, backwards part of the realm known as "Greensboro").

Here he is meeting his long-lost Uncle Charlie. Charlie was kidnapped by rogue classical liberal economists from a rival state and held captive in Cambridge, Mass. for the first two months of Turkmenbaby's reign. But he finally escaped the free-market Gulag (known as "Harvard," but also referred to as "The Yard"...chilling to even think about it!) and travelled hundreds of miles to see Turkmenbaby:

And here's Turkmengbaby with his Uncle Charlie and GranJan, rooting on the Tar Heels (in the first half, alas).

Turkmenbaby likes to play games at family get-togethers, but he's not a very good sport. He's easily exhausted and when he gets tired he cries a lot. But, as you can see, as long as everyone lets him think he's in charge, he's easily placated:

Here he is posing with another member of the clan, a distant cousin from the Northern reaches of Turkmenbabystan: And with GranJan again. He's thinking of renaming October for her, but only if she helps convince his parents to let him wear green pants more often:

Turkmenbaby thinks Will Smith was right: parents just don't understand:

A Day in the Life of a Dictator

Early in the morning, wake up ready to impose your will:

Soon after: have your servants dress you in your imperial loincloth and headdress:

Late morning: Ponder the havoc you will soon wreak:

Mid-day: find a lowly soul upon whom to shower your capricious anger. Preferably from among the truly downtrodden and pathetic. Yes, this one will do:

Early afternoon: bask in glee at the trail of destruction you have left in your wake this day:

Late afternoon: take a dictatorial powder. Sleep with one eye open if you can.

Early evening: rouse your lazy minions, who no doubt have grown fat and lazy while you rested, and force them back to work. This is a dictatorship, not a retirement home, people!!

Before Bed: have your servants lift you high so that you may worship the only being you recognize as being above you, your one true deity: the Great Ceiling Fan! Behold the awesome spectacle of Turkmenbaby at worship:

Go to bed, absouletly astonished that the world community has not yet recognized your genius and leadership with a Nobel Peace Prize:

The Lap of Luxury

Turkmenbaby received a visitor this week: his aunt Jennie (aka his excellency's lady-pillow). As you can see, the visit started off famously:

But then things took a turn for the worse. Turkmenbaby suspected Aunt Jennie of joining in a suspected cabal of local dissidents bent on forcing his Excellency to "sleep" for hours without interruption. A simple-minded ruse, but one that infuriated his Excellency. Below you can witness Turkmenbaby unleashing his wrath upon the conspirators:

Turkmen Package

Each Spring, his Excellency Turkmenbaby takes a warm mineral bath in the imperial wash basin. He allows himself to be bathed by a common maid and holds a ceremonial display of the family jewels of Turkmenbabystan. As you can see, the show of opulence is quite breathtaking.

Turkmenbaby's New Clothes

Remember how the Emperor allowed himself to be flattered into appearing in public naked? Well, it seems some clever residents of Turkmenbabystan convinced Turkmenbaby that wearing this amiable onesie made him look more imposing and dictatorial, when in fact--as you can see--it affords the populace a view of their terrrible leader at his most harmless. The happy result of these hijinks? To everyone's great surprise, smiles abound!!!















And there was much rejoicing in Turkmenbabystan.

Parenthood

Lest there be any doubt regarding the merits of grandparenting.

Tummy Time

Freddy wants to know: Does my big butt make my butt look big?

Turkmenbaby: Man of the People!

It's well known that many dictators like to portray themselves as men of the people. In this picture, a shirtless Mussolini addresses Italians being ressettled in a new planned fascist community. He not only rolled up his shirtsleeves, he took off his shirt altogether to show his enthusiasm for resettlement and working the land.













Well, Turkmenbaby is no exception. Just look at him in this recent photo: donning the garb of the working man, looking carefree and almost angelic:



















And here he is, cavorting with a common peasant girl. It's disturbingly effective propaganda.













But, just as Turkmenbaby threatens to win over the masses with his earthy, folkish public visage, the inner dictator rears his ugly head:













Who will be the victim of this rage? The very common people he purported to identify with only moments before. This is what it means to live at the caprice of a dictator. Sigh.

Spring Break Party: Turkmenbabystan

It's that time of year, when people make their Spring Break getaway plans, and Turkmenbabystan is no exception. Turkmenbaby likes to set the example for all his subjects, so they know that he, too, enjoys his leisure time. Here's a little sample of his Excellency's itinerary for Spring Break:

After he hits the beach for sunbathing and parasailing, he'll spend some time upright in bed receiving visitors:

Of course, horizontal is nice, too:

It's widely known that in Turmenbaby culture family is of central importance, so Turkmenbaby always makes his Spring Break a family affair:

And then, to wrap things up, something totally different: